Monday, December 29, 2008

Auld Lang Sine

Holidays have come and gone - much was baked, eaten and consumed, and we have enough Lego now to build a small dwelling. Wonder if Lego is eco-friendly? Wouldn't want a giant to trip over it, I suppose.

As the year draws to a close, I find myself contemplative and reflective. I suppose many people are at this time of year. I find the years that we call "middle age" are like the Trans-Canada highway that passes through Manitoba and Saskatchewan. A straight road, through flat lands, as far as the eye can see. No twists, landmarks. Just fields and fields and open sky. In my 20s and early 30s there were a number of landmarks - finish university, finish grad school, teach overseas, get married, have kids. Now the landmarks, or what I am referring to - as sudden changes in life patterns, are fewer and far between. We bought a house two years ago. And other than Christmas and Summer holidays I have the same routine. I get up, get the kids and myself ready and go to work. I get to work, sit at desk and at 4:30, I go home. Day after day after day after day.

I hate my job. I have to be delicate about this, because, I suppose, if certain people read this it could be severely misconstrued (which you can never guarantee blogs will always be sheltered from working life). I work with nice people. There are no office politics. I have become bored with what I am doing. Working for a small business means that I am helping someone else chase their dream. I am bored of that. This is no fault of my employer, and no amount of money or perks could really change the way I feel. So, its all about me, to be clear. Not about the work itself or the place of employment. I can't believe that I spend 8 hours of my day sitting at a desk, staring at a computer screen. ALL. DAY. LONG. It seems like an awful way to spend your precious time in your life. Guffing, for the sake of business.

What do you do when you find yourself in this place? Find a new job so you can get bored doing that too? I can't really put my finger on what it is that I would like to be doing. Even worse, I suppose. I don't have a goal.

And of course, I have convinced myself that I am bound to working - bills need to be paid blah blah blah. I am not in a position financially to go tip toeing through the tulips to find what it is that will fulfill me. Not working is not an option. Going back to school or retraining is not an option. So what are my options? Finding a new job? I have sat with that thought for a long time. I've learned to trust my gut on issues, and that just doesn't seem to be a response that will address my ennui. It's sort of like being an alcoholic, and saying, I'm quitting beer, but moving on to wine... Know what I mean?

I'm not thinking that an answer will suddenly fall from the sky. I'm more or less putting thoughts to words, and later, I will probably reflect on them more. I am pretty much convinced that how I think about the issue will have a very large bearing on how I will end up dealing with it.

Happy New Year!


Hotboy said...

I've got a rotten job as well, but I've grown to like it. I started off by staring at the green dot on the computer and mantra-ing. Do that for five minutes every hour and the day might become a wee bit more interesting. Stick a big, wordy document on the screen. Nobody is ever going to think you're staring at a dot for five minutes! Refusing to believe in anything is the slam dunk of course! Hotboy p.s. You might have to compost this comment!

Reluctant Housewife said...

I feel that way, too... A kind of gnawing "What now?" feeling.

Happy New Year to you too. I hope you figure it out!