Repression Confession

The student who wrote the column "Pussy Protector", I am sure, would be tickled at all the amazing discussion happening around her article. What I like about these lovely conversations, is how much time I spend ruminating about the comments, questions, positions that arise to a post. I think this is the most gratifying thing about blogging for me - that Hotboy, Rob, and Mary and Eric and Sharon and Q and I can actually have a serious debate about words like pussy and c-uh....uh...uh... (sorry, still can't but I gave it the ol' college try). And I have noticed that this conversation has sparked some other discussions else where -which is more titilating than actually saying pussy the gazillion times that I already have.

I think the comment that had me thinking most was Mary's way over at Rob McJ's place:

I loved explaining this stuff to my kids, at the right time, in age-appropriate ways, because it is just plain interesting!! Isn't it interesting? Of course it is - it's fascinating! Why the miss-ish blushes? But I confess, this puts me out of step with a lot of women. (Sigh.)

I really thought about it. In certain ways, I am pretty open-minded, and my parents were with me too. The boys really have not started asking many questions about sex or sexuality...except Owen wondering the going price of offspring - so I can't admit to what I'm going to be like as far as that is concerned. And then there is a part of me that has a very conservative view about sex. I can't believe that I am using THAT C word...especially about myself. But I would go as far as to say that I don't try and promote that view on other people. In other words, I think that Mary's attitude is amazing, and I feel somewhat envious. I don't like to hear certain words, but I would not dismiss or condone other ways of looking at it. Really.

Which brings me to my point. It's that transition from acknowledging and appreciating Mary's point of view (actually, it transcends view and is really her way of being), to acknowleding that I would like to not be as rigid in my approach. I mean, the idea of identifying with the hard and edgy aspects of femaleness, for me sounds like a grand idea. Am I there? Nope. Do I have to remain my current frame of mind? Nope.

It's a bit like a conversion. A conversion is deliberate and self conscious, but there is a moment when it all comes together. That moment is never deliberate and planned. It arises, almost naturally, and usually at the most unexpected moments. Sometimes its a slow and gradual process, while sometimes its an instantaneous colliding of thoughts and insights. Whatever the method, its never the result of external coersion. Eric will agree, that no matter how much convincing and coddling, a warming up to new ideas just does not manifest because the rest of the world thinks one ought to. I've been pressured, not by Mary, but by others about my more or less "English" view of sexuality. (Thats how Eric explains things...yes I've outed you my dear) How one goes from moving from thinking about the alternative point of view to wanton sex goddess is pretty much lost on me. And no I am not requesting lessons or new and interesting techniques. All I am saying is that I can clearly appreciate being comfortable, open and downright interested in sexuality, while seeing that I'm a blushing cross legged, tittering ingenue. And I don't need to be rescued. Being as determined and stubborn as I am, I am sure I'll find my way, in my own way, on my own terms, not heeding one iota of advice from anyone, and later figuring out that it would have helped me out in the end anyway.

So, as I reread my post, I noticed that my explaination of a conversion experience sounded a helluva lot like an orgasm.

I hear Eric calling in all the holy people to get my show on the road

What post is coming on the heels of this conversation, is clearly beyond me.