Saturday, October 15, 2005

Repression Confession

The student who wrote the column "Pussy Protector", I am sure, would be tickled at all the amazing discussion happening around her article. What I like about these lovely conversations, is how much time I spend ruminating about the comments, questions, positions that arise to a post. I think this is the most gratifying thing about blogging for me - that Hotboy, Rob, and Mary and Eric and Sharon and Q and I can actually have a serious debate about words like pussy and c-uh....uh...uh... (sorry, still can't but I gave it the ol' college try). And I have noticed that this conversation has sparked some other discussions else where -which is more titilating than actually saying pussy the gazillion times that I already have.

I think the comment that had me thinking most was Mary's way over at Rob McJ's place:

I loved explaining this stuff to my kids, at the right time, in age-appropriate ways, because it is just plain interesting!! Isn't it interesting? Of course it is - it's fascinating! Why the miss-ish blushes? But I confess, this puts me out of step with a lot of women. (Sigh.)

I really thought about it. In certain ways, I am pretty open-minded, and my parents were with me too. The boys really have not started asking many questions about sex or sexuality...except Owen wondering the going price of offspring - so I can't admit to what I'm going to be like as far as that is concerned. And then there is a part of me that has a very conservative view about sex. I can't believe that I am using THAT C word...especially about myself. But I would go as far as to say that I don't try and promote that view on other people. In other words, I think that Mary's attitude is amazing, and I feel somewhat envious. I don't like to hear certain words, but I would not dismiss or condone other ways of looking at it. Really.

Which brings me to my point. It's that transition from acknowledging and appreciating Mary's point of view (actually, it transcends view and is really her way of being), to acknowleding that I would like to not be as rigid in my approach. I mean, the idea of identifying with the hard and edgy aspects of femaleness, for me sounds like a grand idea. Am I there? Nope. Do I have to remain my current frame of mind? Nope.

It's a bit like a conversion. A conversion is deliberate and self conscious, but there is a moment when it all comes together. That moment is never deliberate and planned. It arises, almost naturally, and usually at the most unexpected moments. Sometimes its a slow and gradual process, while sometimes its an instantaneous colliding of thoughts and insights. Whatever the method, its never the result of external coersion. Eric will agree, that no matter how much convincing and coddling, a warming up to new ideas just does not manifest because the rest of the world thinks one ought to. I've been pressured, not by Mary, but by others about my more or less "English" view of sexuality. (Thats how Eric explains things...yes I've outed you my dear) How one goes from moving from thinking about the alternative point of view to wanton sex goddess is pretty much lost on me. And no I am not requesting lessons or new and interesting techniques. All I am saying is that I can clearly appreciate being comfortable, open and downright interested in sexuality, while seeing that I'm a blushing cross legged, tittering ingenue. And I don't need to be rescued. Being as determined and stubborn as I am, I am sure I'll find my way, in my own way, on my own terms, not heeding one iota of advice from anyone, and later figuring out that it would have helped me out in the end anyway.

So, as I reread my post, I noticed that my explaination of a conversion experience sounded a helluva lot like an orgasm.

I hear Eric calling in all the holy people to get my show on the road

What post is coming on the heels of this conversation, is clearly beyond me.

9 comments:

Mary P. said...

Oh, I'm so relieved. I enter into these discussions with unmitigated delight, and get so caught up in the whirl and expressions of ideas that it's only later that I jolt back to reality with a cold chill, second guessing myself, fearing that I have offended. I'm thrilled, more than you can know, that you felt neither pressured nor offended.

This kind of conversation is life's blood to me. I hate those cold jolts!

I think a woman as open to ideas and as self-aware as you are will get to where she wants/needs to be in due time, at the right time.

Thanks for the venue for fun, stimulating (intellectually!), interesting conversation. I truly, truly appreciate it.

robmcj said...

Heather - I know what you mean, it took me years to become comfortable using the f-word in a bedroom context.

Actually, it took me years to become comfortable using any words in a bedroom context.

It probably won't take you as long as it took me, especially if you do it in stages. May I make a suggestion? Start off with something easy - open the window and shout "I've got a front-bottom and I don't care who knows it!"

I hope this helps.

Eric said...

Talking about bedroom context, I have to share this story:

I remember a conversation with my mother when I was in my teens. Somehow, the subject was about my Aunt and Uncle's deteriorating closeness. My mother says, "...blah, blah....and they only make love in the dark..." and I say, "really, it must be bad..."

The point is that I grew up with the idea that making love HAD to be under 100 watt lights minimum, or else something was wrong with the relationship...

As for words in the bedroom...I said them all...in French...

I think boys have seen so much pornography by the time that they actually get to do it that they get unrealistic expectations about the whole thing. Foreplay! What the hell are you talking about?

We live in a mixed up world...

Heather said...

Mary...I think the cold jolts are important. They help me in ways that I am grateful for...I hope my cold jolts stay with me!

Eric...so THATs your hang-up about the lights on...I thought you were just kinky.

Rob...I took your advice, stood on my porch, yanked down me drawers and announced to the street about my front bottom, and all I got was a visit from the cops and a couple of rotten tomatoes...

robmcj said...

Dear police persons, I never suggested the flashing part, that was Heather's own idea. As for the rest of it, I accept reponsibility. What do your colleagues in the force say for the p-s word?

Heather, good idea, we can add tomatoes to the pickled cabbage recipe.

hotboy said...

Wouldn't it be good if everyone knew what everyone else meant? If you use language loosely, you might offend someone inadvertently. Like Heather's mum. Or the Virgin Mary, if she happens to be hanging around. Anyway, you need special words so folk know you mean business. I've forgotten what most of these special words are since no one swears in Scotland. Hotboy

robmcj said...

I'd forgotten about HEATHER'S MUM. Is it too late to delete all my comments?

Heather said...

Rob -
My mother disowned me a couple posts ago...so don't worry.

Kidding

I think its okuy...I'm a big girl...and so is she!

h

MC Etcher said...

Ha Ha! I don't have anything of substance to add, but this was a fun read!

(as per usual)