Tuesday, March 01, 2005

She crumples the map and tosses it away

Well I did not have a tantrum. I'm not sure what is up with me lately - whether I am experiencing a genuine funk, or a case of the winter blues, or side effects of the medication I am taking (depression being one of them). Nonetheless, I have no desire to write, let alone to try and be cheeky and clever. After the boys go to bed, I just want to sleep. During the day I am in haze of exhaustion and general apathy. My courses do not excite me - in fact I am feeling rather negative about the whole academic thing in general.

Yep, I am in a class A funk. "Just a funk" I am convincing myself - no bleak, dark thoughts..only grey hazy desireless funkiness.

A result of this funk is that I have come to at least one conclusion. I have come to it before. Part of me is puzzled that I have returned. Anyway, this whole business of going back to graduate school continues to nag me. It dawned on me (again) - if I cannot make up my mind - then it probably means that I really do not want to do it. Lets face it, I am not busting down any doors to get there.

I thought I was creating a goal for myself. Instead, I created a ground for myself - a sense of security. That meant having some sort of plan for the future. The difference is subtle, but significant.

I realized that this is the first time that I do not have a plan laid before me, and this is perhaps why I am feeling so vulnerable and insecure. I have graduated (three times), worked abroad, got married, got my first job and experienced all the anticipation and excitement entailed in parenting. So, all those plans I made when I was in my 20's have been fulfilled. And here I stand at a threshold of sorts. I ought to feel completely liberated and free in some respect - that I am presented with endless possibilities - to strive for anything I want.

Well baby, that threshold feeling is completely terrifying to me. Terrifying. Instead of opening a door to a world like in a Downy commerical - fully of sunrises and unspoiled meadows - I instead feel that I am feing nudged out the door of an airplane. Yes...its all out there - but the next step is so horrifying and daunting.

I suppose I could continue with the metaphor - if I were to jump - it would be exhillerating, a rush, completely euphoric. I'm that wimp in the back of the plane who is just about the piss her pants.

Well blog, you are beginning to be of use to me. I am glad I am able to articulate this. I think part of me was afraid that I was not choosing graduate school because somewhere deep down I feel that I am stupid. Thats part of my negative tape loop. I acknowledge it as a way of taming it. Yet, I don't think it was the tape loop being hesitant about graduate school . I don't want to go - Forcing the idea is providing me with both a crutch and alot of grief.

So, now that I have come to that big huge conclusion...(or maybe its just the beginning of many more questions)...I'll still admit that I am completely insecure, paralyzed and even sad that I don't have the great plan in front of me anymore. I think my next plan might be to stop making plans and see what happens...

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