Can I at least take a compass?

I am having an existential crisis here. I think it relates back to rule No. 1 - No Theme to Your Blog.

I argued quite convincingly that having no theme was my theme. I am starting to second guess myself. I am like that.

My inner nag: should I write more about my kids? Reflect more on teaching? Detail more of my daily routine? I think I'd like to do some more thinking, writing, blabbing, ranting about my views on Buddhism and mothering. And then I hesitate. Really. Then I fear I'll become too sappy or granola. If there is anything that I am not is a organic food vegan, birkenstock, homebirthing, homeschooling salt of the earth, breastfeeding until graduation hippy mama. Perhaps these hippy-mamas exist only in my imagination. They judge me for drinking coke and allowing my kids to eat chicken nuggets three nights in a row.

At this very moment, my 2 year old is in his room screaming as if Armageddon is upon him. I checked on him - he's pissed but no sign of the four horsemen. Do I feel like going up and snuggling with him while he falls asleep? Hell no.

So here I go again....thinking I should be doing something - and not doing it, and creating some elaborate plot line around all the atrocious excuses why I am not. I am so complicated.

I've come full circle - life without a map.

"Maps are easy to manipulate. You can move boundaries on them. You can use them to represent as real things that are not real".

Can I at least take a compass?