Thursday, August 31, 2006

A Meditation Hangover

I was warned about this by two different people, in two separate conversations. You see, when you spend a nice chunk of your time with your own self, your thoughts and the disperate places those thoughts attempt to drag you, and you resist all temptation to chase those thoughts to their oftentimes, illogical conclusions, doing nothing but following the breath, and later just breathing, you can find yourself in a very contented, simple place. Sometimes cushion time is spent in complete agony, repleat with aches and twitches, annoying sounds, tormenting sticky thoughts, but just breathing can help dissipate this with a couple of deep breaths and just returning to the rhythm of the body. I watched the clouds creep by the window, I even noticed that clouds nearest the horizon moving opposite to those that are closest to my field of vision. And spiders can sit very very sit all day long and hardly move. And then there is this interaction with others that are practicing - which wraps the entire experience into a contained experience that one must reluctantly depart. As all things do.

So, I've been in this post-meditation funk. I hesitate, maybe even resist jumping back into the old routine. There are all sorts of good things I could potentially engage, but I seem to frequently find myself wandering around, kinda bored. And there is nothing wrong with boredom of course. Perhaps I have this expectation that I would return with some renewed verve and vigour. I certainly sense that has happened in some respect, but its all tweaked with sadness and a great deal of nostalgia. I certainly did not anticipate this. And I am not sure what to do with it, or about it. Perhaps I am trying to hang on too tightly to an immeasurable experience, and just leaning in to it a bit may lessen the ache. Or maybe I just need to stay with that ache, instead of trying to fill it with things I would have done to whittle the minutes away. Its amazing how a period of time can expand well beyond the conceptual boundaries of time. It felt so much more than that.

So I am finding myself listening to the same 13 songs over and over and over again.
(and maybe I really have snapped)

Everything Merges With the Night - Brian Eno
Thumbtack - Bob Mould
fevered - The Stills
I wish I was the Moon - Neko Case
The Belldog - Eno and Cluster
Sweet Thing - Van Morrison
No Sense - Celia Cruz (Cat Power)
Spinning Away - Brian Eno and John Cale
Road to Nowhere - Talking Heads
Astral Weeks - Van Morrison
Rain Dogs - Tom Waits
Motorway to Roswell - The Pixies
One Word - Brian Eno and John Cale

Sounds like I need a drink. Mmmmmm...I did buy my favorite Pinot-Grigio before leaving. Perhaps a real hangover might cure the meditation hangover. A few good dry heaves can really shoot you back into reality....


hotboy said...

I've found it a bit hard to come out of the weeks I've spent at the Samye Ling. I thought it was just me, but it's never just me, is it? The last time I didn't fair so badly, but I had a few drinks the first night back and couldn't believe how good it made me feel! Maybe that helped, but it might not help you. Great post, this one! Hotboy

Anonymous said...

Nice post -- and I've spent time at Samye Ling as well, hotboy! -- but can I change the subject? I'm interested in meditation as a hangover cure. Ever heard of that? I just mentioned it in my blog as something I've experienced but never looked into, so now I'm trying to look into it. It looks quite deep!