Tuesday, June 27, 2006

This indecision interzone

This indecision interzone is really getting old. I mean really old. Last night, I spent alot of time thinking and second guessing myself, and wanting to come to a conclusion I could act upon today. I started asking "how will I know that the decision I make is the best one, and not merely a reaction to my current circumstances?" How will I know a right and good decision - will it feel right, or is any decision or indecision really a crap shoot, a random act that will set in motion a series of events that I can later interpret as "good" or "stupid" or whatever.

Last night, I was so fed-up about being in a position where people are making decisions about me. I am STILL waiting - I have heard not a word from either party about either course (Buddhism or Anthropology), yet at the same time, I have assumed that this silence means that at the very least, that someone else has been hired in anthropology. I got a very formal e-mail from the "acting acting" chair of my department, basically saying "Can you hurry up and let me know if you are accepting the course in RS?" His impatience stems mostly from me not responding to his act of command. So, he can wait with me, and not know. I thought of making the decision myself - the only one I could, and inform this moron, and the person deciding whether or not I can teach Buddhism that I will not be returning to teach in the fall. For a while, that seemed like the best course of action. And then I started second guessing myself about whether or not this was proactive or a reaction. I hate being in this nebulous interzone. And frankly, the thought of returning to the motley crew who see themselves as morally and intellectually superior turn my stomach. Why DO I want to go there? Okay, the money and the hours and the kind of work seem to be worth it. It is also a very comfortable thought knowing that it is there to return to.

And then, I wondered if I was really trying to avoid rejection. Last week, probably by Wednesday I came to the realization that I probably did not get the position in Anthro, thus triggering a domino effect and making it impossible and silly even to think about returning to teach in the fall. Knowing that the full time faculty in my department have succeeded in pressuring the part-time people out has worked, makes me want to chew glass and spit it in their face. And feeling THIS way makes me wonder why I want to go back there in the first place.

So I wrote a letter to the Chair of Anthro, asking him on the status of the hiring, and inquiring about my application. Oh, the pains this letter involked!! I am neither aggressive nor proactive. (Can't you tell?), so this e-mail was excuciating to write. I kept thinking "what if he thinks I am being too pushy or too bossy" and as I went through this series of what ifs...I said FUCK IT and sent the damn thing. If I am not going to be hired based on THIS inquiry, then so be it. Knowing is better than this disconcerting place.

And hell yes, it all reflects on the Buddhist teachings about suffering, and groundlessness and being with fear...I feel so disconnected from everything. Wow. It's a powerful feeling. I really am in the hungry ghost realm - neither real or non-existent, always grasping, never satisfied. The hunger and thirst for solidness is so consuming and yes, painful. This is powerful shit.

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