Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Karma payment plan

When Eric and I are not getting our knuckles wrapped for having kids, we're upgrading our stuff. Like many newlyweds, we brought a mishmash of furnishings to the marriage. Some items were new purchases, some were family hand-me-downs, some reminants of our single lives. And since our population has burgeoned from 2 to 5, the stuff took a beating (more like a walloping). As you know, furniture these days is not constructed like it used to be. Wood furiture can be just a decoy - made to look good, not to be used well. Anything made with MDF and veneer will not withstand the force of three children. It's proven in fact. And the fabric on sofa is not manufactured to withstand 7 years of sitting, sleeping, (eh em mom and dad stuff), puking, snotting, food of a variety of assortments, peeing and yes the stray poop. This summer, Eric and I purchased a new couch (chesterfield, sofa whatever monicker you choose) with the proceeds of our Van sale. (another upgrade). The previous incarnation, although structurally sound, was spewing its stuffing. And a couch spewing stuffing is not only an eyesore, but a household hazard with 3 children. A hole to any child, whether that be a naturally occuring hole, an orifice, a hole in the wall, keyhole, well, drain, toilet etcetera... gives a clear signal to a child: "fill me". Case in point - the drain in the basement must be filled with pee, and holes in the sofa must be filled with a variety of sundries - crumbs, leftovers, dinky cars, little hands, dirt, bits of wrapper and paper...The new sofa is lovely, comfortable and above all has a 5 year guranteed stain guard.

Which reminds me - there is a clause on the stain-guard that is just too delicious to pass up:
In the list of exclusions it states:

Acts of God, fraud, international acts, war or hostilitiesof any kind if arising from illegal activity.

This means that if I am slaughtered by a terrorist in my own livingroom, the MagiSeal company will NOT clean my couch for free. And they will not if I hire the mob to off Eric while after he stumbles home and passes out on said couch after an evening "out with the boys". Drat. I suppose I could make a case because my religious affiliation is excluded from the clause and there is nothing which prevents me from claiming a stain purely from bad Karma. So if my sofa is damaged in a wayward snowstorm, I could make the case that it was my karma that produced said damage, and since it was not outlined in the exclusions clause, I should have it cleaned to its new shiney happy state. And since neither myself or the MagiSeal company can scientifically prove a karmic reap or an act of God, we could therefore fight it out in court. And because it deals so directly with religion, I'd get all kinds of media attention and I could buy 2 new couches with the proceeds of my book sale. That sounds like good karma.

And speaking of Karma - am I reaping or sowing some more here. I say this tongue in cheek - and in all reality (since we're dealing with my reality) - its most likely an equal smattering of both. After the sofa replaced and we reconditioned the children to carry no food substance on it, we realized that our dining experience needed upgrading. We are one chair short, so we have not been able to eat as a whole. Usually, the kids eat first, and then mom and dad together. Or one of us will dine with the kids and someone gets to eat solo. Its yet another aspect of our familial chaos.

So we went to the local Canex, (which is a store catering to us military folk) and I found a table to my liking. We chose the Canex, because it has a fair payment plan. Its not one of those "Don't pay a cent for a year and then we'll charge you outlandish interest upon repayment". The payment plan at "the Canex" is divided equally over a series of months, with little to no interest tacked on (Eric may be able to clarify this one). So as I continue, there was method to our madness. Canex has an online catalogue. So if there is something that you want to purchase that is not in-store, you can order it in. And this is what happened with our table.

I have to admit, I am pretty choosy about my furnishings. And so should I be. If I am going to be forking out Erics hard earned pay, I damn well want exactly what I want. For a diningroom, I had some clear parameters - a square or rectangular table, not round. Two tones, not one colour, or wood grain, ladder back chairs, with wooden seats (not covered in fabric, which would be a holy nightmare on spaghetti night...especially since most coverings are beige.) Originally I wanted a table with black cherry stained legs and chairs, with dark wood stained accents. However Cannex only had this one, but I could not live with the arrowback chairs. So I went toward the opposite end of the palate, and sacrificed my choice of color for form. And it became apparent that form is more important than color when it comes to my taste on diningroom furniture. Here is it, by the way.

And yesterday we got the call that it is IN, and we can pick it up at anytime. Oh yeah, without paying inflated interest, we do not get free delivery - or assembly! Eric came home with four boxes, one behemoth with the table, and three others of similar shape - 2 chairs per box. Eric, being the busy beaver he is, got set to work on the table. And its lovely! Chair assembly was going to be a collaboration, and with allan key in hand I followed Eric's instructions (since paper ones make little to no sense to me). After we securely assembled the seat frame, and started on the foot rails, it becames glaringly obvious that there was something desperately wrong.

As you can see, the back (which is one piece) is not the correct back. No matter how much weight watching I endure, there is no way I can stick my legs under the table when I am sitting in the chair. And this of course is while I am balancing precariously on it, since there are ill-fitting front legs. There is no camera trickery here. The chair is standing against the table.

Now I cannot hold Canex responsible - but since they are the middleman, they need to fix our problem quick. I have a dinner party to cater.

Karma. Wash and wear, assembly required, batteries sold seperately...


Candace said...

Looks like an Escher chair!

So, it's like a barstool-height chair with table-height legs?


Heather said...

Yep. And the barstool height chairs are not even on the Online catalogue. We looked to see if shipping numbers were goofed. Either it was someone's first day on the job - or they were on crack. Both legitimate exuses.

hotboy said...

Saw a photie once of tenement life in Glasgow in the early 50s. Eleven people in a wee room. In our Edinburgh flat (three people, 5 rooms) we had the same table and chairs! God knows where they came from. Designer classics. Never bought furniture in my life, of course. Especially seats! Hotboy

hotboy said...

Saw a photie once of tenement life in Glasgow in the early 50s. Eleven people in a wee room. In our Edinburgh flat (three people, 5 rooms) we had the same table and chairs! God knows where they came from. Designer classics. Never bought furniture in my life, of course. Especially seats! Hotboy

Susan said...

But WHERE are the photos of the sofa?

Love the table, by the way. And good choice on the wood seats--we have six dining chairs, four with beige washable slipcovers (which are ALWAYS being washed) and two with ivory fabric seats. Well, they USED to be ivory. Now they are more grey-with-cheeto-orange-speckles. Not pretty.

Mary P. said...

Funny, funny post!

I LOVED that exclusion on your stain-guard. That'll teach you to deal with the mob.

And the chair? "Desperately wrong" about sums it up. Too funny.