Practice is starting to soften up around the edges. My monthly fertility reminder reminded me that all is working this morning. This explains much of my restlessness and frustration over the past couple of days. Were I not sitting, I'd be a cranky old hag with water retention. I am surprised I was not more aware of this source of inner irritation.
I had a converstion with the teacher of the program. I am finding that my practice tends to be a little heavy handed...I think I have offered the gist of that. It's surprising how loud one can be inside one's own head. In some ways it's better just to sit with the loudness - because I know very well that were I not sitting with it, I'd be letting it leak out all over the place. I was offered some sagely advice on lightening up - it takes some getting settled into the practice to realize my inner drill seargent is barking out THINKING...she morphs into the inner kindergarten teacher and all is lovely. I am still dealing with some physical stuff - but with much less frequency and intensity.
This afternoon the umdze read a letter written by Chogyam Trungpa for Dathun participants (once upon a time). I heard one thing I really needed to hear: Don't look at walking meditation, tea time, mealtime, work period as a break, or meditation will seem like a prison. So screamingly obvious eh? How come it takes me this long? But, this is what sitting is starting to become for me. I go there willingly, but in the same vein as I do to go clean my bathroom. I know that sounds ridiculous for someone who paid good money to attend a week long meditation intensive. Sometimes its just too much for me to sit with the my aches and pains and annoyed state of mind. Do I look at the pending hour long sitting with delight and enthusiasm? Nah...I brace myself. I'm annoyed that I am annoyed. I suppose that makes sense on one level - but I can see how it is colouring my practice. Why I choose to stay with that is as much as a mystery as Sasquatch. I suppose I idealize those who enter the practice with exuberance... I imagine that RaBliss is exemplary of this attitude...
Facing the same frustrations in each sitting - allowing the anger/frustration/irritation get the better of me, then labelling it as thinking, returning to the breath seems so simple - yet I can't seem to get it together when I need to the most. The good news is that I am working with this one thought at a time. Thats the lovely thing about sitting. Each moment is only a moment, and there is only room for so much...then things become workable. I can see how focusing on my inner b/s changes a raindrop into a torrential downpour, until it eventually errodes whatever ground I have attempted to establish. Going back to the raindrops is more manageable.
Here is my embarasssing story for the day:
Lunchtime. Oryoki lunch. I escape mindfulness (as usual), and think to myself "Gee I am really starting to get the hang of this". You know I am getting the whole choreography, in order to develop some panache or elegance for ornamentation purposes. It was not 2 or 3 minutes later when the bowl slipped out of my hand and onto my lap. And the amazing thing was that I was feeling rather confident of my grip - it was if some unknown force thought the soup looked better in my lap than in the bowl. Because eating is done without conversation, everyone looked. You know, it's a tangable experience to see all heads and eyes turn to your general direction. Nothing better than a side of public humiliation with your soup.
I'd like to thank the higher beings whom I offer a pinch of rice to everyday that my bowl was only 1/4 full...or 3/4 empty...depending on how you want to look at it.
16 hours ago