When you have realized you are reauthoring your life

You find you have nothing to say. Figures.

Let's see. Oh, lets start with the obvious. My department continues to burp small changes. There seemed to be an 11th hour attempt to rearrange a course that I chould teach to a night course time slot- which would solve my current childcare dilemmas. This would also leave open the possibility for finding another job. The very weird thing about this was one of the worst betrayers and propagators of angst in the department seemed to be rallying at getting me a course. He was shocked that I was declining to teach at all. You have heard that the Devil wears Prada? We he also reads Schillebeeckx. I kept wondering what self promoting agenda he was trying to push? It certainly had nothing to do with me, and my current lack of employment. But, as many of us learn through the pains of adulthood, you close your eyes, take a big gulp and hope that the side effects are not immediate.

Human Resources contacted me last week to say that it would be impossible to reschedule due to the courses population. Yesterday, Departmental diablo wrote me to say that he was still pursuing the matter and it looks as if something could transpire. It looked like a serious case of the left hand having not clue that the right hand was up to. Regardless...I forwarded all messages to human resouces, and sit here in a state of bemused amazement.

When you think its all over, it really is not. It keeps hiccuping. Sometimes its dryheaves, sometimes not. (In this case, I have enough distance to know when to duck!) I also have a feeling that the conclusion is still on the horizon.
In the end, I did all that I could, and still find myself in this situation. So this brings me to my current dilemma. My story is changing...and I am in such ambiguity and groundlessness, that I am not even sure what to write about. I am not lamenting or bemoaning the situation...but it seems that there is a new voice emerging, one that does not really know what to say yet. This sounds ridiculous in one way...this does not change the fact that my kids are a constant source of irony, comedy and even dramatic tension. Needless to say...I guess I have to start somewhere.

And I have also discovered that old habits....