Thursday, June 29, 2006

Jung, Eat your Heart Out

I've been feeling kind of...strange...lately. (Okay, no jokes, please). Most of this feeling comes from learning that I will not return and teach. I've been doing this for going on 10 years, so I have every right to feel a bit weird. Added to this, is that it was my first job after returning home from Korea, and oddly enough, it found me. That does not happen much these days, but I was approached by the department to teach in their extension programme. I viewed this work as temporary - I knew that it could end at any time - so, I did not feel completely settled. What an illusion that was. Ten years is pretty settled.

So now I need to plot my next move. That one is easy. I've decided to domesticate myself completely. I've been power cleaning, when not escorting the boys to the park. Eric is away for another 2 weeks, so I have decided to start an earnest jobsearch when he returns. This seems logical, right?

I grope for something to read. I'm not sure what I want...when there are limitless choices of fine literature to read...I feel completely unmotivated. Part of me wants to read Anthropological theory, or some recent social justice critique of PoMo...but then I wonder why. What would the point of that be? And then I look at my bookcase and see all those text books. I wonder if they will be of use to me again? These feelings compound this strange feeling. And when someone asks me "What do you do?" My automatic response "I teach world religions at a small arts university"...as automatic as it was...stops me in my tracks.

Through this experience, I have touched on this important lesson: that you really can choose your reaction. (On the otherhand, I've been holding out hope, yet preparing for this ending for about a year). When I finally learned the answer...I imagined I would cry. I have almost been on the verge at times, but on the most part, I don't feel like being sad for this. And I really feel like there is a choice involved, and I am not being taken by torrents of emotion. Thinking of looking for a new job thrills me and scares me. Mostly I am scared of this long hard road of endless relentless rejections. Who would look forward to that?

I still have dreams that I escape by waking, feeling my heart race, and knowing the fear has followed me to my waking state. These sort of dreams come with more frequency when Eric is away. When he is away, the stalker dreams come back - and it is pretty obvious that I feel vulnerable in this house, caring for these kids all by myself. The other night, I had this dream that there was someone outside. I went to the door, and saw a shadow dash away. Fear flickered in my gut and I scanned the yard. There sat the van. Completely stripped. The wheels were gone, the contents emptied. The hatch was gaping open and all the doors were missing. And then a familiar dream feeling rose in me...a gripping paratizing fear, and uncontrollable rage. I've felt both simultaneously before. Now, when I dream this feeling, I acknowledge its familiarity. In my dreams, I scream and scream, and then cry and lose all sense of propriety. I was so angry that these thieves have taken something away from me that I so needed...

And then I woke up. Instead of inviting the fear back to lucidity, I thought..."Now that one is easy to interpret...that makes total sense". Upon reflection, its rather astounding that I can be so cerebral moments after waking. This dream is all about losing my job, my only means of "getting anywhere". I am raging that people did this behind my back (which is what the dept did, I had the kindness of informants keep me posted on what transpired throughout the term...otherwise I really would have been in the dark) I am afraid. One is a lingering sensation of people pursing me in shadow, but also there is fear of the unknown, fear of no longer having my means of getting somewhere, afraid not being emptied and stripped of definition.

So last night, I dreamed that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were my houseguests. It was all rather normal - in the sense that I made them breakfast, had coffee with Angelina and we discussed our c-sections. Any jabs at this one folks?

Finally, remember me mentioning that I was not sure what to read? As I was typing this entry, the mailman came. He is 2 hours ahead of schedule (the mail has arrived around 11 am ever since we moved here). He is also new to the beat, so this may explain why he was early. Anyway, the kids dashed in and announced "Look what we got!!" I ordered a book last week and did not expect it to arrive until July. And here is came. "Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood". Sounds like one request has been kindly answered.

Now I have power cleaning to attend to.

4 comments:

Arwen said...

I saw a survey in USA Today and I thought about you. It was a survery showing the continual increase of part time faculty in universities in the US. in 1971 23% were part time and in 2003 46% were part time.
I am about to start power cleaning too, it binds me back to my home. How weird is that?

hotboy said...

What could a c-section be? Scared to ask! Fancy having lucid dreams. I never remember mine these days. Used to think at least it was something got instead of just unconsciousness. I hope Eric posts some photies of where he's been! Hotboy

hotboy said...

C-sections? Got it this time! Well, I've not had it and I'm not going to get it either. God is Great! Hotboy

Umm 'Skandar said...

I always have celebrity dreams when I am pregnant! I have no idea why.

I am teaching this fall but my heart is not in it. Adjuncting is a loser's game, and I have to stop playing it but its very hard to think about losing that easy answer to the question, what do you do? its quite nice to be able to say "I teach at a university."

However, I am quite sure that wonderful things are coming your way!