Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I've managed to un-stuck myself

Here is the status of my current rut - I've managed to un-stuck myself. Thanks for the encouragement folks.

And for all those curious on how I accomplished this, well sit back and read on.

First, I bought 3 40oz-er of tequilla, a basket of limes and some salt shakers, and served it to all my students on Thursday (since Friday was a holiday) whether they were of legal drinking age or not, and promised them all A's if they could drink me under the table. Well golly-gee-whiz. Give these kids a tangible goal and they will go to the ends of the earth for you. I praised their effort and engagement in the project. After all 40 of us were sufficiently loaded, we left the classroom, and graffitied every professor's door that did us wrong. This was quite the task. It seems that there is an excess of collective angst out there. So the pompous philosophy professor who gave the shy girl a D on her presentation, got at nice spray painted "Anarchy" symbols on his door. The uptight theologians recieved a couple of 666's, pentagrams and inverted crosses, some guy found a bit of racy porn to stick on the door of anyone who advocated feminism and I was able to create the piece de resistance. I stood directly in front of the professor's door who has been directly responsible for most of the recent departmental tensions. Remember that odd muffin concoction that I came up with this summer? (<-Here, let me remind you.) Well, conveniently enough, I brought some of this muffin batter with me, knowing what hijinks I eventually would rouse. Dipping my finger in, I smeared on his door, all over the pictures his kids drew, all over his office hours, and sign with his name emblazed "Dr Whats His Name Phd". I spread the following quotations, with glee and jubilation. Students danced and rollicked as I smudged each and every letter, with such drunken finesse

Religions are the cradles of despotism.
Marquis De Sade
and

Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
Oscar Wilde

Since this debauchery was committed at noon on a Thursday there was a good deal of curious onlookers, clearly confused by this orgy of students, chanting and gabbling in the thoes of inebriated ecstacy down the halls. Someone puked in front of the Chair of Sociology's office, a bottle smashed, someone lit a joint and accidentally passed it to a young professor who just finished teaching Psych
3713. (Madness and Medicine.). The pandemonium carried clear across the quad, which beaconed the Academic Vice President, who just happened to be giving one of the candidates for University President a campus tour. The details begin to get a little hazy at this point. I do recall being fired, and there are some foggy recollections of "charges", but the big deal is that I do not have to worry about students, classes, marking and the bullshit department. I am out of my rut indeed.

Of course, none of this is true, but hell it was fun to write.

More on how I purged my rut later. I ended up having a bit of literary fun there.

5 comments:

Mary P. said...

Heather as Bacchus and her students all Maenids!!! (or however that's spelled).

Your rut is over, your creativity fuelled by the fire of revenge. Who said it's best served cold, anyway?

hotboy said...

These are the things you know you should have done. If Eric knows how to invade small countries, why work? Great fun post though. My friend Poisonous became a legend in his own amnesia by riding a bicycle across the 18th hole of the Royal and Ancient at St Andrews when the Principal of the Uni was playing in some prestigious event. I wish I wasn't such a wimp. Actually, I'd rather shoot people, or basturns as I refer to them! Good to unrutted! Hotboy

Stephen (aka Q) said...

Good writing, great fun to read. I was there with you in spirit, I assure you.

Now all you need to do is go back and stick in the word "cunt" somewhere to make it picture perfect. Write it in muffin batter — that would be truely perverse.
Q

Anonymous said...

Ah, I read this yesterday & then had to come back and re-read it again today before I return to grading exams!!!

You've kindled a bit of joy in the hearts of adjuncts & part-time faculty everywhere, thanks!!

s

robmcj said...

Excellent romp, but not bad enough I fear to qualify in Carslemane's bad writing competition. You'll have to do worse than that.