I think I have control issues

As I type this I hear this collective "Well duh!"

This is an update of sorts regarding that D thing I embarked on about a month ago. For those wondering, no its not divorce, drugs, or dysfunction (of any sort). I joined Weight Watchers, in a moment of either total insanity or momentary lucidity. According to what BMI chart you read, my weight either started at the high end of normal for my height, or "obsese". Regardless of the prefab standards, I was lumpy in all the wrong places, and I was slowly getting too comfortable in a size 14.

On the one hand, I am all for the criticizing the media's projection that normal women have clear transluscent skin and wear a size 2, (and that is when they are bloated and PMSy). Ideas about beauty are scary. If it involves Versasce, Louis Vuitton, Uggs, aqualine noses and silicon - count me out. I'd rather be butfuck Uger-lee! I don't want unshapely thights - where we can hear the wind whistle through them. I want boobs and some tush. Who cares if I sag - I earned that droopage - hard work, pain and stress. Oh, don't get me started on stretch marks. My thighs look like a map of the punjabi countryside. I gleeful contributed to each one of them ...one chocolate at a time.

Wow. Its amazing how far I let my tangents go. So I started Weight Watchers and have since developed this fondness for watching and journalling everything I eat. I have found a new interest in reading nutritional labels and backing up a line of shopping carts behind me. There is nothing more joyous than serving a seemingly sinful dish and exclaiming - Its only 5 points! And made with fat-free evaporated milk! Clearly, I am disordered and sick in some way. I have to date lost 9.4 lbs. I am hoping that I have enough sense to know when to stop - and feel good about my losses. My sister asked me what my "real" goal is.

Here is the skinny on the "real" goal vs the Weight Watchers goal. With the Weight Watchers goal, you announce to the lady with the scales what you would like to set your goal as. When you meet it, maintain it for 6 weeks, you become a lifetime member. This means that you do not pay the weekly fee anymore. So, I get my goal much higher (in fact I am almost there) because I think it is an ideal weight to maintain for the rest of my life. This is also including the perils of menopause - which are closer on my horizons than adolescence. My real goal is what I'd like to be at this very moment. I decided that I am not going to aim for a number in imperial or metric, but rather in a dress size. Is that bizarre or what?

For other insane reasons, I have taken up exerice. I power walk 4-5 times a week, and I have started a weight lifting program. I picked up this book for a buck at a Flea Market the other day Joyce Vedral's The Fat Burning Workout. Its a scary title. The pictures are scarier. Its 15 years old (meaning...written in the 90's - scary!). There is an almost Flashdance quality to her wardrobe. And the hair. Ode to a can of Aquanet. The routine is pretty basic, and all I need are some freeweights and off I go - all I need is an engrossing video for the boys. If I am going to lose weight, I figure that I should go all the way.

Okay. I am off now, me and Joyce are going to do some Lower body workout. Since this is my first time, I am going to lock myself in my room so no one can watch me struggle with the learning curve. I do have standards you know.