Sunday, March 27, 2005

I am gleaming with resentment

I've decided to keep the pagan celebration despite being a Buddhist. I've dropped all reference to torture and resurrection. Too violent for the kiddies.

I may rethink this: The pagan rabbit references that is: More specificially: The focus on high content sugar treats.

The kids are on hour twelve of their sugar high. Harry, my basement pee-er is now begging for a band-aid to cover his scab, in an incessant whine...which compares to Chinese Water toture. Owen the 7 year old was punished today for pissing in the basement. Are kids like animals? Once the scent is there it is impossible to resist remarking the same territory?

This four day weekend is going to kill me. I'd rather be working.

So I turned to The Wisdom of No Escape for my daily inspiration. Actually, my cynical side is chastizing me for being too wishy washy and attempting to convince me that meditation and parenting have very little to do with one another. Then the wiser side of me, who is much like an 80 year old woman (which I assure you takes over when I start driving), assures me that it will do me some good...even if it causes my Blog to slip into mediocraty. The aspect of my ego which is not involved in self loathing - has delusions of grandeur and would like to feel that her quirkiness/humour/thoughts are unique and amusing. After spending a great deal of time surfing the blogosphere, it seems that many of us wish to promote ourselves as quirky/cheeky/cynical. So I continue to run about average. As you can see, me and my baggage need the quintessential vacation from the vacation.

And there is a very angry and frustrated me that thinks...what the hell does Pema Chodron know about the shit involved in raising three boys...and might I remind her of the 12 hour sugar high. Thats it. Next year they are getting homemade candy made with Splenda. And don't cite me for child abuse...that is only a mild threat. My anger is getting ahead of me. I really do not want to attack Pema. I mean, I don't think that I could live down publically criticizing a Buddhist nun. I'd rather choose another claim to fame thank-you very much.

Sorry Pema. a momentary lapse of reason there.

"Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full, unrestricted and insprired way. One of the major obstacles to what is traditionally called enlightenment is resentment, feeling cheated, holding a grudge about who you are, where you are, what you are. This is why we talk so much about making friends with ourselves, because for some reason or other we don't feel that kind of satisfaction in a full and complete way."(p. 6)

Now I recoil in embarassement. My rant was composed last night, but now in the early morning sun I sit with my coffee and internet...and think geeze..I am radiating resentment. I flicker and buzz with resentment. I am gleaming with resentment..even sticky with it. Being left alone for weeks with the awesome responsibilty of being "together" and "on" and "100%" for my flock is at times, exasperating. Yet at the same time I feel the compulsion to expect that of myself. What is the alternative? I suppose I could say to Aidan, "leave me alone for the next hour, I need a breather" and I would be honest. But since he is 2 1/2, he'd most likely collapse in a kicking and screaming rage if his demands for attention were not met swiftly. I feel a great deal of tension -between this responsibility and the need to admit that I cannot be consistently perfect or present.

Okay, I think I can only point to the issue. Things are not going to get solved today. I'm okay with that...figuring that out on top of the housework, laundry (oh god the laundry), dishes, the kids, the meals...well you get the picture.

(Picture of me and my neurosis hand in hand skipping to the kitchen to start the dishes...there is sunshine, birds twittering hither and thither gliding gentling over me with ribbons in their beaks...small rodents with flowers peek cheerfully at me, placing small paws over their snouts and giggling...)

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